HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MISA!

What am I even doing with you? I haven’t felt like this about someone… for a long time, or maybe even ever! I can’t stop thinking about you/us.

But we’re 6000 miles away from each other and to top it all off, the corona situation here stops me… us from seeing each other. I feel stupid, like I’m going crazy. Well, I probably already am.

I guess I just see what happens and what you think when we video call…

This is scary, that’s what it is.

26/03/2020

I haven’t written my thoughts down for a very long time. I think this is mostly because I mostly wrote about struggles with love and relationships and from that point of view, being happy until recently in a relationship, I haven’t felt the need to. Although I did think about typing something out I never did.

Currently on the way home from Japan. Lena is in Australia and I won’t see her again until its possible to travel to Australia, or actually I won’t see her again possibly ever. Which sounds weird to say and feels even weirder. I simultaneously know how I feel and don’t. What I mean is, that I’m not completely distraught or upset about that fact necessarily. I am sad and unhappy not to have her be in my life sure but I haven’t been happy over the past month in the relationship. And more recently that hasn’t been changing in a positive direction. I want to be someone that works with their partner through things, but when you get messages so often that say “I’m always right” (I thought you were joking when saying this at first but doesn’t seem that way necessarily now) and when you seem so adament that I should be doing things as you say, even though the reality says otherwise and get frustrated with me when I don’t do as you want me to… Well it just doesn’t seem very nice and all I can think is that I don’t want to be with a person like that. Maybe it is because you care about me possibly, but it’s not coming across as very endearing at all. It kinda seems like you’re not being understanding or seeing how I might view/feel about things.

And then I go and meet the most amazing person in Japan… Hell I would go as far as saying I want to marry Misa already. That sounds crazy even to me but it’s kinda how I feel. We didn’t even spend thay long together. And for all I know you (Misa) don’t want a relationship right now or have other thoughts about life and what you want. Maybe I will read this back and look back at how I felt at this time and decide I was in such a deep place emotionally and maybe its just the way I was feeling at the time. A very large part of me wishes I didn’t get on this plane. If it wasn’t for corona then damn, maybe I wouldn’t have.

Which leads me onto the next thing… I need to make a change in my life right now. I’m not reallt happy. I don’t know particularly why I’ve realised it now. I think it’s a mix of realisation and meeting different people whilst travelling and see how others live and think about work and life. I love my family so much, who are in the location I’m settled in right now. But my location and situation right now isn’t what’s good for me right now. :(

Maybe this is partly hungover, post holiday blues feels. I’ve written that I’m aware of feeling the blues and the feels post travel and how it effects my mind. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I have an urge that I don’t really want to be back in the UK, doing the job I do, living where I do.

I would say I want to be in Japan but also I am conscious maybe a girl is making me think thay way particularly.

I’m so grateful for what I have experienced these past few weeks though. Life is strange and a roller-coaster and I sure as hell am riding it!

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Recently I have noticed people tell me I am a good person… Almost like they see that I only have good intentions and I am very genuine.

Feel I’m in a bit of a funk at the moment.

I’ve been over tired and stressed out by things although it’s not entirely my fault. But then when I think about how I believe part of being healthy is how you deal with stress I’m not very impressed with myself.

One thing I wanted to write about in this post… Do you ever feel your “best” or “true” friends really aren’t that good friends after all? Or do they ever make you feel that way? That’s how I feel after recent events. It makes me feel like I almost can’t be bothered with them anymore. I mean I will never truly not bother with them because they are my best mates really. It also just makes me feel kinda lonely then. Because it kinda shows they don’t care that much about me and therefore if that’s the case then how good friends are they really? And therefore do I really have good friends at all? I’m rambling.

And then there’s you. Idk am I having doubts? Is it too early to have doubts? Our relationship is frustrating. It has to change otherwise I’m drawing the line after this summer. Idk, it’s not that bad as I know you need to concentrate on your dissertation but ugh why do you barely speak to me? Are you really the right person for me? Can I really change things? I’m being honest putting this in writing as I think maybe it will help me realise if I really do truly feel these things are issues enough right now or not.

Maybe partly its that I’ve had a taste of another. Someone that seems more grounded and level headed and mentally healthy… Is that the kind of person I need for my own demeanour and mental health?